Solitude
by Shinobu Blue
Summary: (My 1st FanFic and Song Fic to Evanescence’s “Solitude”) Shinobu fights her emotions and feelings for Keitaro after Naru and Keitaro become a couple. Her diary is the only thing she has to confide in…


**A/N:  I DO NOT OWN LOVE HINA OR THE SONG "SOLITUDE"!  Well, now that I got that out of the way…****  I had a lot of help writing this, but I don't know what to think of it because it's my first piece.  I hope you like it….**

**Solitude**

Shinobu embraces her diary close to her heart.  Looking out across the room, she sees Keitaro and Naru sprawled out on the couch.  They hold each other contently under a blanket, sound asleep.

Keitaro and Naru declared themselves a couple, six months ago.  Ever since then, Shinobu kept more to herself than usual.  She couldn't let Keitaro know the truth about her feelings toward him.  She just couldn't.

Seeing them together fills her heart with pain.  She flees to her room.  A single tear falls down her cheek.  [I mustn't let him know,] she reminds herself.  [No one must know the truth.]

She runs into her room and closes the door behind her.  She dives onto her bed, sobbing, her diary falling next to her.  Once she brings herself under control, she picks up her diary with shaking hands.  In black ink, she writes,

_"How many times have you told me you love her  
As many times as I've wanted to tell you the truth  
How long have I stood here beside you  
I live through you  
You looked through me"_

She pauses for a moment, an image from several months ago flashes before her eyes.

She was in the kitchen, preparing breakfast.  It was shortly before Keitaro confessed his love to Naru.  He had come to Shinobu for advice.  He had always come to her when he needed support from someone who wouldn't kick him clear to the moon when he made the slightest mistake.  She had befriended him when he had no one else to turn to.

"I love her," he had said, putting a hand on Shinobu's shoulder.

She fought back tears.  "I know Sempai."

She longed to tell him how she really felt, but she feared it would only make things more awkward in the future.  She knew that her love for him was hopeless – they didn't stand a chance together.  She was much too young, and him too old….  Telling him might also jeopardise their friendship.

She didn't want that to happen.  She would rather bottle up her emotions and secrets from him, than to lose him all together.

Shinobu pushes the memory aside and begins to write in her diary again,

_"Ooh, Solitude,  
Still with me is only you  
Ooh, Solitude,  
I can't stay away from you_

_How many times have I done this to myself  
How long will it take before I see  
When will this hole in my heart be mended  
Who now is left alone but me"_

Horrified, she realizes that she wrote too hard on a tear-splashed line with her pen and ripped a hole in the paper.  Hurriedly, she runs to her desk on the other side of the room.  [I must fix it!] she thinks fearfully.  It was the only thing she used to confess her thoughts and feelings about Keitaro.  It was all she had to pour her heart and soul into.  She had to fix it before it got worse.

She pulls out her invisible scotch tape from her desk drawer and applies a small amount of tape onto the small hole.  She sighs in relief.

By now, her diary looks worn and battered – mostly tear soaked with blotchy, blurry letters.  She stares at it for the first time, finally realizing its condition.

"How much longer can I hide this from everyone – especially Sempai?" she says out loud to herself.  She trembles.  [I can't…]

_"Ooh, Solitude,  
Forever me and forever you  
Ooh, Solitude,  
Only you, only true_

_Everyone leave me stranded  
Forgotten, abandoned, left behind  
I can't stay here another night"_

Su and Sarah pop into her room.  "Hey, Shinobu!" they greet energetically.

Shinobu quickly hides her diary behind her back, blushing and pasting a fake smile on her face.  "Uh… hi."

"We got a great idea to get Keitaro in trouble," Su declares, beaming excitedly.

"O-Oh…?"

"Yeah, and we were wondering if you wanted to help us," says Sarah.

Shinobu shakes her head.  "No, that's okay.  I'd rather not," she tells them, glancing away to look at the picture of everyone that is sitting on her desk smiling back at her.  [We're all so cheerful….  How can we be so happy and yet… I feel so sad?]  Everyone worked together as a team to create and solve problems.  Like a big, happy family.  [Then why do I feel so alone?]

Su and Sarah trade glances to each other, but shrug and leave her alone in her room once more.

Shinobu sighs with relief.  But a part of her is still troubled.  [I cannot keep hiding this from everyone.  But I still cannot be with Sempai….]

_"Your secret in my heart   
Who could it be_

_Ooh, Can't you see  
All along it was me  
How can you be so blind  
As to see right through me"_

She finishes her writing.  [I know he still cares about me… but only as a friend.  He will never love me as I love him.  I'm still alone…] she thinks gloomily.  She shakes her head to rid her of the thought.  [But if Sempai wants to be with Naru, I will not stand in his way.  I cannot.]  She feels another wave of pain wash over her.  [But I want to be with him….]  Warm tears slowly slide down her cheeks.

She stands up, her diary still open in her hands.  Her teardrops fall onto the open pages, staining them with heartfelt sorrow.

_"And Ooh, Solitude,  
Still with me is only you"_

She walks out of her room.  Alone.  Darkness fills the empty halls as she quietly walks to her special place.  That special place where Keitaro said she could stay at the Hinata Inn.  The roof.

_"Ooh, Solitude,  
I can't stay away from you"_

She climbs to the top of the roof, her diary clamped under her arm.  The wind pulls on her clothes, encouraging her.  Her blue hair blows around her face, shielding her tears from the light of the moon.  Once she has pulled herself up, she clutches her diary tightly against her chest once more, as she walks to the edge of the roof overlooking the city.  

Though her eyes are blurred by tears, she still manages to see the words she wrote, printed in her diary as she opens it up for the sky to see.

_"Ooh, Solitude,  
Forever me and forever you"_

She looks up to the sky.  "I love you, Keitaro," she whispers to the glowing moon and the glittering stars.  "I love you and only you.  But I cannot continue on this way…."

Ignoring the tears, ignoring the pain, ignoring all that she has known, believed and felt – she tears the pages from her diary.  Tears the memories that lay locked in those pages from their binding.

With a final cry, she throws them into the grabbing hands of the wind.  Watching them flutter like the wings of a dove.  Free from any kind of pain one can endure.

_"Ooh, Solitude,  
Only you, only true"_

"Goodbye Keitaro," she murmurs, watching the pages about the love of her life disappear into the light of the moon.  "I hope you find what I have not.  But I will.

"One day…"


End file.
